Can something die, if it never actually lived?
I’m not sure to be entirely honest, but I believed for many years that the ego was a thing. A living, breathing, 900 headed dragon (in the words of Carlos Castaneda), in which I was constantly either in battle against or succumbing to its latest whim or its consistent, relentless pleas.
How could it not be alive? It was always talking to me, telling me what to do, what not to do. Telling me how I was wrong or how I was right. Telling me where I messed up in my life, but also how and why everyone else has done everything wrong too.
This ego thing was constantly judging me. Telling me when I should eat, how I should exercise, how worthless I am, and how unloveable I am.
Ohh…but don’t worry the ego said. You have a problem? I have a solution for you. Yes! A way to fix all of the problems she had been telling me about.
Want to stop being worthless? Then make something of yourself. Prove your worth to the world.
Want to be loved? Then make yourself pretty, get rid of that cellulite on your thigh, and stop being shy and quiet.
Want to be a better athlete? Then buckle down, work out more, set a schedule, and you’ll get faster. Don’t worry if it isn’t fun, who said life was going to be fun?
Want to be healthier and stop having stomach pain? Eat no processed foods, make all your food yourself, sleep well, avoid stress, do yoga, meditate, hydrate, and more.
These solutions look legit.
They look like they might work. They might even work for some people, or maybe they have worked for people you know.
Since they look legit, and I had these problems that NEEDED to be solved, I tried these “solutions.” Of course, the ego isn’t the only thing telling me what I should do. It has plenty of support from the outside world. Other people, whether loved ones or random “icons” are also reinforcing the message of my ego. Or is it that my ego was reinforcing the message of everyone else?
Either way, these solutions never actually fixed my problem. I was just as frustrated, anxious, and unhappy as I had been before implementing these so called solutions.
The egoic thoughts told me the solutions didn’t work because I was doing them wrong or this particular solution wasn’t the right one. So I would try again, another one. And again, I’d still not be who I thought I was supposed to be. I’d still me with all my unfinished lists, body imperfections, cluttered house, inconsistent workouts and self doubt.
It turns out that following the “ego” doesn’t seem to get me where I want to be. And I think it’s because of what the ego is inherently saying.
Ego: “You are broken. You can’t be okay until you are fixed.”
Me: “Okay, I’ll fix it. And when I fix it, I’ll finally be worth the space I occupy in this world.”
If my ego and the society in which I reside all say directly (or indicate indirectly) the same thing, why wouldn’t I believe them?
I did believe them for a long time. Until, I saw how thoughts aren’t worth the space they take up in my head. And just because a thought is in my head, doesn’t mean it has any truth or merit to it. In fact, most of the time, the thoughts in my head are absolute crap.
Which turns out to be a really good thing. Because that means I’m not broken. It means you aren’t broken. In fact, there is nothing wrong with you.
The ego makes up things based on other information it has heard before. And then we innocently validate it and take it on as truth. But just as the “ego” makes up thoughts, I’ve realized that I made up the ego.
The ego is as imaginary as the as the monster with arms and legs shooting out of his head which my son described to me the other night. But I was fighting it, fighting against it’s “negative” influence in my life.
And what’s the quickest way to lose a fight?
Fight against something that doesn’t actually exist. For example, try punching air.
You punch air once, no big deal. You haven’t wasted much energy.
But go ahead, punch it again. Keep going.
Maybe try punching several times a minute, every hour you are awake (and some when you are asleep) for every day of your life since you have been an adolescent.
Now, tell me how you feel.
Exhausted?
Yes, of course, you are.
Anything change in your life? Like really change?
Or are you still struggling and suffering and fighting a problem that your made up ego has made up for you?
Me too.
Or at least I did, for a long time.
Until I saw that the ego is dead. Or more accurately, was never alive to begin with. It was just something I made up.
Then, I finally stopped punching into open air.
Hoping you find peace in whatever state you find yourself in right now,
KC