The Uncommon Case Against Reverse Engineering

You have my full, unwavering support to reverse engineer how to build a table. You will not get that same encouragement when it comes to living your life.

However, the common advice for building a successful business, having better relationships, and even better health is all about seeing how someone else did it and then reverse engineering their steps and repeating it in yours.

This advice seems to be suggesting that in order for you to be happy, simply carbon copy SOMEONE ELSE’S life.  It’s that simple. Well, they say it’s still hard, but that its worth it. 

I call complete and utter bull s%$&.

Why? 

Because I’ve tried it, in many ways, and at many different times in my life.

I remember being in middle school at a coed summer soccer camp. I watched my effortlessly extroverted friend flirt with the one of the boys by “stealing” the soccer ball from him while we were all waiting for the next drill.  He laughed and they playfully interacted for the next minute before getting called to get back in line.

I remember thinking…”ooh, okay, that’s how you get the boys attention.” And at the next similar waiting period, I did the exact same thing to one of the boys.

But instead of his same reaction, he was annoyed and ignored me and my attempt at flirtation. I was thoroughly embarrased but also confused. Why did it work for her, but not for me?

Fortunately, I understand now, something (actually many things) I didn’t understand when I was 11. 

My attempt was an entirely ego driven action. I did it because I thought that if I could be like my friend, then the boys would like me, and I would be enough.

And the reason it didn’t work, was because I was in my head about it. I was trying to do the “right” thing, while completely ignoring the facts staring me in the face. Facts like, the boy didn’t actually like me, and I didn’t actually like him. Or another important fact, I am not my friend.

So, how is this middle school lesson valuable to us as adults?

Because it answers the otherwise confusing questions of why does one diet work for this person but not another. Or why do some people do well running alone in the woods, while another person has a much better time in group classes at the gym. Or why do some people do great in a business that is virtual and other people enjoy working in-person.

There is literally no one path that works for everyone. 

You cannot follow someone else’s path and be truly happy.

Happiness and joy seem to come from being in the moment and following your own path. Especially as you watch it unfold moment by moment and step by step.

You think what you want is this amazing goal you’ve set. As if reaching this goal will make you happy. So you try to reverse engineer what someone else has done to reach a similar achievement.

But have you ever really asked if the goal you’ve set is actually what you want? 

Like did I really want that boys attention on the grassy hill next to the soccer field that day? No…I wanted to feel important. I see that now.

Most of the time we want what we think the achievement will give us.

But when we see that we already have everything we need in this moment, we are FREE to explore the world and our lives in a way that offers beauty, curiosity, connection and joy.

I think it’s way better than reverse engineering someone else’s life.

What do you think?